BRIEF HISTORY OF LAPDANCING

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BRIEF HISTORY OF LAPDANCING

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Non-scientists may have been surprised to hear that Stephen Hawking spent five hours last weekend watching strippers in Stringfellows.
The 61-year-old Lucasian Professor of Mathematics was particularly taken with the charms of a 19-year-old pole dancer named Tiger.

But far from being a seedy night out, we believe the evening was the culmination of Prof Hawking's research for his next bestseller. The Daily Mirror has obtained a sneak preview, which we reprint in full today...
THE Big Bang happened, as far as we can be sure, in 1995, when Britain's first lapdancing club, For Your Eyes Only, opened in a warehouse in North London.
For many scientists, it was the first time they had been so close to a naked woman standing on a table. Or, indeed, any naked woman.
But it was the culmination of thousands of years of diligent research, dating back to the dawn of scientific study.
Ever since the earliest days of learning, when Pythagoras drew curves in the sand, scholars have not shrunk from asking the big question: "How can we meet naked girls?"
The first recorded experiment with a scientist and nudity involved Archimedes running naked through the streets of Syracuse, Italy, shouting "Eureka!" It was not judged a success but it established early on that it would be best if scientists kept their clothes on.
More than a 1,000 years passed before Galileo invented the telescope in the hope of peering into a nearby convent.
And it was several hundred years more before Sir Isaac Newton formalised the study of naked ladies in his seminal publication, Principia Table Dancia.
Its most important conclusion states that if women take their clothes off, men will pay money to watch.
But it would be centuries before anyone could see any practical application of Newton's discoveries.
Crucial to the breakthrough was Einstein's carefully formulated equation E=MC2, where E is Eagerness to spend a lot of money and MC represents the amount of Moet et Chandon champagne consumed.
Although there were by now strip joints in every city, eminent physicists still lacked any way they could visit them without ending their careers.

GENIUS: Professor Hawking (centre)
While desperate young scientists wore their fingers to the bone trying to imagine a way they might be able to watch girls strip and keep their research funding, the crucial work, as is so often the case, was being done by an amateur.
Alan Whitehead, former drummer with 70s band Marmalade, realised that what stripping needed was a different name.
He stated Whitehead's Theorem as he opened For Your Eyes Only: "Sure they take their clothes off but they're not strippers. They're dancers."
It was the discovery the world of science had been waiting for. Less than a decade later, there are around 300 lap-dancing clubs in the UK, and the industry is now worth £300million a year.
The boom has also brought new scientists to the fore, led by the eminent ageing lothario Peter Stringfellow.
After a succession of relationships with lapdancers, the 62-year-old has made a revolutionary discovery.
Stringfellow's Law states that time moves at completely different speed for dancer and customer.
The three-minute performances take an eternity for the girls, who pass the time deciding what colour to paint their toenails.
For the paying punter the close encounter of the naked kind goes by, well, in a flash.
Led by Stringfellow, a host of great minds have devoted their leisure hours to this subject.
Among the most dedicated students are Robbie Williams, Irish movie star Colin Farrell, Mick Hucknall, Jack Nicholson and Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles.
Some students are so committed to the science of lapdancing that they take their work home with them to private labs - usually hotel rooms - for closer, more intimate study.
Fortunately for mankind, the results of their studies are meticulously recorded and published in peer-reviewed journals.
It is only thanks to these reports - known in the field as "kiss-and-tells" - that we now understand that lapdancer Karen Butler believes Lee Ryan from Blue to be a better lover than Leonardo DiCaprio.
Or that dancer Emma Gibson found Blackburn's Dwight Yorke so boring she asked for a cup of tea instead.
Last year England's football hopes were demolished by the discovery, by Manchester dancer Lisa Collins, that Ronaldhino was "like a pneumatic drill" between the sheets.
It's through research like this that dancers themselves have become big names in chemistry labs up and down the country.
The latest dancer to shoot to fame is Essex girl Jodie Marsh.
All these great advances have not come cheap, though. Dancer after dancer has struggled against, and lost, Newton's law of gravity.
Mathematicians from all over the country have raced to determine the optimum distance between lapdancer and customer.
Too close and there is a danger of spontaneous, premature explosions, and yet too far away and experts complain of eye strain and going blind.
Meanwhile, sceptics at local councils, who do not understand the true scientific worth of the study of lapdancing, have objected to full nudity.
As a result, the all-encompassing G-String Theory has been developed for more conservative parts of the country.
Scientists are now hard at work developing the smallest G-strings possible.

Jul 9 2003
A NEW SLANT ON THE BESTSELLER
By Nick Webster